Sunday, October 17, 2010

Junky junk...

A few weeks ago we had a garage sale.  We sold quite a bit of stuff, and took most of the leftover to donate.  The stuff we didn't take to donate is still sitting in the garage.  So WHY do I still see JUNK everywhere I look in my house?  So much of it is just toy clutter, which is not something I can totally do away with..unless I want a 2 and 4 year old mad at me for eternity. 

However, there is an entire corner full of "crafty stuff".  Items I have purchased over the last 10 or so years which originally had a purpose but I can no longer remember it.  I want to spend my days creating things with these items.  To see the pile of junky stuff dwindle into a pile of neat items I can gift/sell/use. 

I need focus.  Motivation.  Anti-depressants.  SOMETHING!!  I have time.  I sit here all day with two little munchkins...why can I not get anything done?  I have gotten stuck in yet another rut.  This time it's a rut of boredom.  I am bored.  Boredom makes me feel depressed.  Depression takes away my motivation to get anything done.  I sit here and do the same, mundane, repetitive tasks every day...which in turn makes me even more bored.  It's a vicious cycle and I NEED to break it.  How?

I've noticed a glass  (or two) of wine in the evening not only makes me less stressed, but gives me energy.  I can suddenly finish editing pictures, fold and put away clothes, write, clean, do get the idea.  In the hopes of NOT becoming an alcoholic, I need to find a way to get this same effect in a more socially acceptable way (Not that drinking is all bad...but I need something that I can do first thing in the morning to get me going for the day.  A glass of wine for breakfast not only sounds DISGUSTING but also screams 'raging alcoholic!").  I'd prefer NOT to take medication, but I'm so over I will do whatever it takes at this point. more thing to research and have to follow through on.  Who says I don't have a job....?

Monday, July 19, 2010

Letting go...

I've been helping my mom clean out my grandma's house lately.  It's been quite an many memories!  My grandma has kept everything.  I mean, EVERYTHING!  It is interesting to go through, but it also makes me so much more aware of what I am holding on to.  I've done pretty well most of my adult life.  I don't keep things "just because' for the most part, but I do hold on to a few items because of sentimental reasons or out of guilt. 

There are clothes in my closet that I haven't worn in years (or ever!) but I keep them because they were my favorite outfits 10 years ago.  I hope to be cute and fit into them again...but I finally realized about 3 months ago that I will NEVER be that size again.  I'm not too much bigger, but having children has made me a different shape.  My hips will never fit into a juniors size 4 pair of jeans, no matter how much weight I lose, because my bones have shifted around!'s time for a major closet overhaul! 

I have so many pictures, from all stages of my life, sitting around in various places.  There are scrapbooks full of loose items waiting to be made up for my boys.  There are boxes and albums full of old no one will really ever look at.  Yet I can't bring myself to get rid of them.  Pictures are memories...I am hopelessly addicted to photography.  Thank GOD for digital photography.  I hope to one day get a scanner of high enough quality to scan in photos and negatives and not lose any resolution, but until that day comes I just can't get rid of the clutter of old photos.  Maybe I can make enough money from selling my old clothes to buy the scanner...

Last, but definitely not least...BABY STUFF!!!  I have 2 precious little boys (2 and 4 years old).  In my garage sits all the baby equipment from said little boys.  We aren't through having kids, but with things the way they are now we aren't sure when or even if that will happen.  Holding on to all this stuff seems silly, but so does buying new stuff if the time ever comes that we need it again. 

Aside from material posessions that I have issues getting rid of, there are also relationships I have clung to for far too long...people whom I considered as close as family at one time.  The relationships used to be effortless and happy, and now it's just draining.  I need to let go, accept the fact that we are not the same people we once were, and move on. 

Sunday, May 16, 2010


I know...this blog is supposed to be about simplifying my life...yada, yada, yada.  I think part of simplifying, for me at least, is putting all my issues out there.  Getting them out of my head.  A "de-clutter" of my head.  So please, excuse my continued venting and/or incessant babbling.

I miss having a "normal".  It's been almost 3 years since there has been any kind of routine in the structure of my day, and it is really wearing.  I'm all for changing it up once and a while, or even a complete overhaul of life and creating a new normal...but when things are random every 2-3 days or so it is hard to know what to do.

In my ideal world, my Hubby would work a regular schedule with hours that would allow for him to be home for dinner or at least bedtime.  I would work some kind of a job that I could do from home, or in the mornings so I would be home around lunchtime to spend the rest of the day with the boys.  We would have dinner together, have daily time together with and without the kids, and be able to attend social functions without a months worth of planning.  We would ponder the "what-if's" of vacation possibilities and talk about the future as if it were something to look forward to.

Obviously, we currently have none of this... otherwise I wouldn't be whining about it on here.  I try to focus on the few positives that we do have.  Our boys are wonderful!  Hubby does have a job.  We have a home for now, and food on the table.  We're together. 

I keep hoping that simplifying will alleviate some of the stress that goes along with not having the normalcy I crave.  I have yet to do anything drastic enough to see if it helps.  I don't even know what my next step should be at this point.  I've boxed up lots of things and stuck them out in the garage...waiting for a good time to have a garage sale.  I hope that is VERY soon!  I'm hoping to do some more de-cluttering with the hubby next time I can catch him in a good enough mood, and with enough time to really pay attention. 

A job for me would go a long way in providing some normalcy.  It would give us financial stability.  It would give the boys and I routine to our day (even if that means daycare).  I'd be like a single mom who has a husband part time.  When he's there, he's there...and when he's not, we'd still go on with our normal routine.  As it is now, our entire lives are centered around when he works and doesn't work.  It's not his fault...but it's pretty much unavoidable for several reasons.

I wander through the job listings for places like Eugene, Oregon and  Frisco, Texas...hoping to find something that I magically qualify for so perfectly that it would be worth my time to apply, knowing I would most likely get an interview.  I also can't help but search for Police departments around the country that are hiring.  Hubby humors me with a nod or something, but nothing ever comes of it.  I apply for every job I find at local universities in hopes of not only landing full time work but also tuition waivers for graduate school so I can get that degree that will pave the road out of here.  I search the job listings for universities that have a graduate program I am interested in, but never apply because I am unsure of exactly how likely it is that Hubby would pick up and move.

Please...pass me the normalcy...

Monday, May 10, 2010

Epic Fail

That's me.  Seriously, there is nothing in my life that I haven't or am not currently failing at.  I try to rationalize most of it.  Things happen because of something else, but the truth is that I failed...not someone else.

I have applied for jobs time and time again for over a year now.  I've had 4 interviews, with 2 companies.  That's it.  And obviously, I didn't get the job either time.  I continue to apply, but I haven't had an interview since October.  I rationalize that this isn't my fault because the economy sucks, or because I was prepared to be a Stay-at-home-mom for a few more years and therefore did not keep up with work experience.   After all, it's not my fault the business my husband was running lost it's one and only contract last year...right?

I say these things, but I don't believe them.  When I first started applying for jobs, I didn't really want a job.  I wanted to stay home with my boys, to watch them grow be able to raise them myself instead of sending them off to some stranger for 10 hours a day.  Because of this, I didn't try my hardest with the applications.  I didn't follow up and bug them about the job.  When I got an interview, I was not only nervous but I was also fighting with myself in my head the entire time about if I should be there, trying to leave my boys.  I still would rather stay home with them, but not like this.  Not when tension and stress is so high that I feel like the wicked witch of the west towards...everyone.

And as for the business...well, lets just say I was not 100% supportive.  I resented the business because it was supposedly the one thing that was keeping us here.  There were also so many hassles with running a business: time commitments, scheduling conflicts, phone calls at all hours.  The pay was ok, great now that I can look back on it, but at the time it felt like Ken was always working and never totally focused on our family.  I can see that is total bunk now, but at the time I could only see what I could see.

I failed at school.  Not only did I rack up student loans that are going to haunt us for the rest of my life, but I didn't really focus while I was there...and now it's going to be next to impossible to move on and get an advanced degree that will allow me to follow a decent career.  I kept changing my mind...could never commit to any one field.

I fear that I am going to end up messing my poor boys up.  I'm so emotional...angry, sad, frustrated.  I cry at the drop of a hat it seems.  I have no patience anymore.  My oldest has begun yelling quite a bit, and talking back.  He's not even 4!  I don't know if this is normal 4 year old behavior, but it doesn't feel like it to me.  I want so much to just hug and cuddle him.  To read him books and play outside.  But the reality is that he makes me so mad that I rarely get to say anything nice to him.  It's always "1-2-3 go to your room!", or "time-out!".  I don't want to be that mom.  I want to be the nice, easy-going mom who has a grip on her kid's emotions as well as her own.  FAIL.

Warning: rant ahead!!
Rant Deleted...I vented, and now I feel better.

And lastly...for now...I want to move.  We aren't getting any job offers here, so I can't understand why we shouldn't be applying elsewhere.  Ken has no desire to move. at all.  I, on the other hand, never wanted to stay here.  We always compromised, saying that we would live wherever it made the most sense financially.  How can we know if we don't at least apply?  I stuck around here, in stupid Marion County so he could do his police thing...but that is no longer what is keeping us here.  So what is?  It's not some killer job, that's for sure.  It's not that we are living in our dream house and don't want to leave it.  It's not that there are more opportunities for the boys around here.  I don't know why we are still here, and I must admit that it is making me a bit resentful.  We've tried it his way, why can't we take a leap and try it mine?  Sell most of our "stuff", pack the rest up, grab our little cuties, and hit the road.  I'm not crazy...I don't mean that we should pack up and move without any job on the other end.  All I want is to try and see if there are actually jobs out there, somewhere else.  And if there are, I want him to be willing and possibly eager to move on with our lives.

There you go.  My life up until now has been an epic fail.  Can I dig myself out of this deep grave, or am I stuck here forever...wishing I could have known the future and planned mine differently?

Friday, April 23, 2010

Where to begin?

I have been so overwhelmed these past few months.  I feel like I have been trapped in a downward spiral and have no control over my own life.  One of the purposes of this blog is to help me realize how to regain that control...and what better place to start than with my own health?

I have been trying to change my household over to a more organic diet, but have met several roadblocks along the way.  They all love fruit, but they also love Doritos and microwave popcorn.  I have a weakness for the latter as well...but I ALWAYS feel yucky after consuming it.  I know better, but yet I do it because it is there and smells so freakin' good!  I long to empty my kitchen of all the toxic food and only have healthy, organic, and preferably RAW food on hand.  Not that my hubby would ever agree to such a drastic change.  Slowly, I hope to accomplish this...but for now I must deal with the temptations on a daily basis.

Let me make it clear that I am not doing this to lose weight (although that would be an added bonus), nor am I doing it to "deprive" myself of things I enjoy.  Yes, I may crave movie theatre butter microwave popcorn...but I also KNOW that it is doing terrible things to me.  I do not feel good about eating it.  I feel bloated, gassy, and somewhat nauseous after eating it, and I really only enjoy the first 2-3 bites before I go into robot eating mode.

So....I'm going to start this whole thing off with a fast.  No set amount of time, somwhere between 1 and 30 days.  I plan to keep with it as long as I feel it is good for me, and stop when it feels like it is time to stop.  No crazy lemon-juice with cayenne and maple syrup concoctions.  Just plain old water.  I've done my research and any google search will tell you that a water fast is the best way to go. 

Why a fast?  There are so many reasons for this that I won't even try to name them all.  Again, google it and you'll see what I've seen.  The basic gist of it is that fasting allows the body to rid itself of the build up of toxins, while also allowing it to divert the energy it normally would have spent digesting food to healing itself. 

What am I hoping to get out of my fast?  A feeling of cleanliness.  I want to really feel healthy for the first time in YEARS!  I want more energy, mental clarity, and the ability to really taste the food I put into my mouth when I start eating again.  So...cheers!

Monday, April 5, 2010


I feel like I am so many ways.  Stuck because we have so many possessions and it would be a pain to move.  Stuck because of past bad choices and my lack of commitment to a career.  Stuck because the media tells me I am, because my decisions affect more than just me, because of's a never-ending list of reasons why I am stuck.  It's completely overwhelming to think about the life I want to have, because it contradicts so much of the life I currently have.  The thing is...I never really wanted the life I currently have.  It just kind of happened.  So here I sit, wondering how to undo the bad, yet still keep the good intact.

If I could do it all over again, I would never have bought over half of the STUFF in this house.  Things that sit around and collect dust, dust that I have to eventually clean off of the useless item.  Things that take up time and energy, without giving any benefits back.  Things that, believe it or not, affect me emotionally.  I had a minor breakdown this morning...over many things, not just the stuff.  However, while I can't change  everything, I CAN do something about the clutter.  So that is where my journey starts.  Ultimately, it is not just about purging the dreaded "stuff" but about self-discovery and lifestyle changes to get me out of whatever this funk is that I have been in for...well, longer than I care to admit.

It's not all bad, mind you.  There are essential elements to my life that are almost perfect.  For example: my family.  I love my husband, even if we disagree on what seems like everything.  My 2 little boys are wonderful, and while they try my patience daily they also give me so much love and warm fuzzy feelings.  My parents are so supportive of whatever wacky endeavors I think up, and they are great listeners.  My sister is the best...  You get the idea.

Mainly, I want to simplify my life.  I want to clear away the clutter.  Get rid of the distractions.  Focus only on the things that will actually bring meaning to my life.  I don't want to start over.  I don't wish I was someone else.  I like the basic building blocks of my life (i.e. my family)'s just all that other garbage that I need to either get rid of or learn to live in harmony with. 

So why not just purge and simplify, you ask?  Because it's not that simple.  I have obstacles to overcome.  I can't just empty the house of every unnecessary item and expect my husband and boys to be ok with it.  Heads would roll, let me tell you!  I have to tread carefully here to avoid making enemies for life.  In the end, my goal is to simplify MY life.  I'm not forcing them to give up everything just so I can be comfortable.  There will be re-organizing of course, and some purging I hope...but if they truly want and need to keep something, then I am not going to throw a hissy-fit about it.  By the end of all of this, I want to:
- be able to move freely about my home without feeling overwhelmed.
- feel my life has direction and signifigance.
- be able to fit every possession that is important to me into a backpack.
- NOT feel stuck for ANY reason...I want to feel the freedom that I could do in tow!

Is it impossible?