Monday, May 10, 2010

Epic Fail

That's me.  Seriously, there is nothing in my life that I haven't or am not currently failing at.  I try to rationalize most of it.  Things happen because of something else, but the truth is that I failed...not someone else.

I have applied for jobs time and time again for over a year now.  I've had 4 interviews, with 2 companies.  That's it.  And obviously, I didn't get the job either time.  I continue to apply, but I haven't had an interview since October.  I rationalize that this isn't my fault because the economy sucks, or because I was prepared to be a Stay-at-home-mom for a few more years and therefore did not keep up with work experience.   After all, it's not my fault the business my husband was running lost it's one and only contract last year...right?

I say these things, but I don't believe them.  When I first started applying for jobs, I didn't really want a job.  I wanted to stay home with my boys, to watch them grow be able to raise them myself instead of sending them off to some stranger for 10 hours a day.  Because of this, I didn't try my hardest with the applications.  I didn't follow up and bug them about the job.  When I got an interview, I was not only nervous but I was also fighting with myself in my head the entire time about if I should be there, trying to leave my boys.  I still would rather stay home with them, but not like this.  Not when tension and stress is so high that I feel like the wicked witch of the west towards...everyone.

And as for the business...well, lets just say I was not 100% supportive.  I resented the business because it was supposedly the one thing that was keeping us here.  There were also so many hassles with running a business: time commitments, scheduling conflicts, phone calls at all hours.  The pay was ok, great now that I can look back on it, but at the time it felt like Ken was always working and never totally focused on our family.  I can see that is total bunk now, but at the time I could only see what I could see.

I failed at school.  Not only did I rack up student loans that are going to haunt us for the rest of my life, but I didn't really focus while I was there...and now it's going to be next to impossible to move on and get an advanced degree that will allow me to follow a decent career.  I kept changing my mind...could never commit to any one field.

I fear that I am going to end up messing my poor boys up.  I'm so emotional...angry, sad, frustrated.  I cry at the drop of a hat it seems.  I have no patience anymore.  My oldest has begun yelling quite a bit, and talking back.  He's not even 4!  I don't know if this is normal 4 year old behavior, but it doesn't feel like it to me.  I want so much to just hug and cuddle him.  To read him books and play outside.  But the reality is that he makes me so mad that I rarely get to say anything nice to him.  It's always "1-2-3 go to your room!", or "time-out!".  I don't want to be that mom.  I want to be the nice, easy-going mom who has a grip on her kid's emotions as well as her own.  FAIL.

Warning: rant ahead!!
Rant Deleted...I vented, and now I feel better.

And lastly...for now...I want to move.  We aren't getting any job offers here, so I can't understand why we shouldn't be applying elsewhere.  Ken has no desire to move. at all.  I, on the other hand, never wanted to stay here.  We always compromised, saying that we would live wherever it made the most sense financially.  How can we know if we don't at least apply?  I stuck around here, in stupid Marion County so he could do his police thing...but that is no longer what is keeping us here.  So what is?  It's not some killer job, that's for sure.  It's not that we are living in our dream house and don't want to leave it.  It's not that there are more opportunities for the boys around here.  I don't know why we are still here, and I must admit that it is making me a bit resentful.  We've tried it his way, why can't we take a leap and try it mine?  Sell most of our "stuff", pack the rest up, grab our little cuties, and hit the road.  I'm not crazy...I don't mean that we should pack up and move without any job on the other end.  All I want is to try and see if there are actually jobs out there, somewhere else.  And if there are, I want him to be willing and possibly eager to move on with our lives.

There you go.  My life up until now has been an epic fail.  Can I dig myself out of this deep grave, or am I stuck here forever...wishing I could have known the future and planned mine differently?

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